Deep, Dark, Divine Lust

Let’s get into that deep dark part of our heart that we all have: lust. We all lust. For some of us, it’s a daily struggle. And lately, it’s been on my heart and mind.img_4755

I’m a 20 year woman and I’ve never been in a relationship– of course I daydream after an occasional strapping young lad. But, I’ve learned that even when you get what you’ve yearned for, it’s not enough. There’s a lot to say about lustful desires and what it says is so true and so redeeming for me. God tells us not to lust, because nothing can ultimately fill you but Him. And this is what I’ve taken to truly to heart in the past few weeks.

A while ago, I was in a really dark place. There was a boy, who in most cases, took up all of my attentions. In the midst of my daydreaming, I thought I was on cloud nine. But,what I was doing was completely obsessing over something that was based solely on an idea formed in loneliness, insecurity, and frustration.


The poor boy, as great as he is, did not deserve to be put on such an idolatrous pedestal. But through prayer and fasting, I’ve removed myself from this situation and seen through the heavy fog over my eyes. I thought about the situation: If I were in a relationship with this man, would it make all my problems go away? Even as a single woman, I could see myself diving into the thick of it-totally unprepared and unfulfilled. The same goes for everything else in life: If I pursue this degree? If I get this job? If I live in this house? The list goes on and on but its unending desires signify how menial the things on this earth we fill our lives with can be like.

And so, as I go forth into new adventures, I carry this so so heavily in my heart. The burden I once felt as lust and its accompanying ecstasy is no longer something that clings to my heart now. With every meditation on these words, my heart becomes lighter and also fuller. Though they still come and go, I put away my lustful desires, because I know that nothing is as worthy or desirable as the love of God.

I think this is one of the most integral steps in my journey into adulthood. Being able to recognize what has held me down emotionally over the last few months has really changed the way I see the future. And so, I hope that as I continue to grow in my faith, I put away my desires and follow in the footsteps of Jesus, who has come to bear peace and fill our hearts with love.

Enjoy the last bit of this jubilant January,




t w e n t y

Twenty, twenty, twenty. The word tastes weird in my mouth. A bit like that gulp of saltwater in the ocean that you’re never prepared for. Like a seismic eruption about to shake you uncomfortably. The word thunders all around me. In a hall, the earthquake rocks doors open and close. This is how twenty feels to me. So many new opportunities, and so many tied ends.

Tomorrow I turn 20 and I don’t know if I’ll be ready. There are so many things I am thankful for this past year. Lessons learned, friendships made, roads driven. But most importantly, this past year taught me not to expect anything.img_0513

It was so funny. Every time something good would happen in my life: a new friend made, a job opportunity opened, etc., I went on endless tangents of expectations. Time and time again these ideas would all crash with a complete disappointment.

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Lovely hostel right by Fort Mason, SF

So, with the new year and with a new age, I’ve resolved to take life as it comes. It’s refreshing, honestly. Twenty is the year I start voicing my own opinions. It’s the year I wait for no one and take those road trips I’ve been wanting to go on. It’s the year I settle my business with God. It’s the year I prepare myself for the fantastic adventure of love (if it comes God-willing). But, ultimately, it’s the year I embrace my eccentricities, my creativity, my musicality, my education, and my passions.

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On the Road and stoked

I am so so so excited. I feel the blessings all around me. Even thinking about the ability to live another day and make one more person smile or feel loved puts a smile on my face. I utterly hope I can do this in the coming year. A resolution of my is to be more compassionate. For years, I’ve hid my true feelings. This year, I plan to turn that around and embrace love, sadness, pain, and joy through heightened communication with others and through my writing. I’ve finally gotten an idea, and it’s occupied much of my mind in the past few months. So, here it goes.

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Ultimately, I know I am loved by the Savior. And he gives us the grace and mercy for new beginnings. Januarys. They’ve always been my favorite. And, thankful I can live another January. It’s a blessing from above, and I think of Ecclesiastes 3, where the author writes:

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

With that, I wish you all a happy happy new year!