Déjeuner du Matin

There is a poem by Jacques Prévert that I had to act out last semester in French. It is:

Il a mis le café
Dans la tasse
Il a mis le lait
Dans la tasse de café
Il a mis le sucre
Dans le café au lait
Avec la petite cuiller
Il a tourné
Il a bu le café au lait
Et il a reposé la tasse
Sans me parler
Il a allumé
Une cigarette
Il a fait des ronds
Avec la fumée
Il a mis les cendres
Dans le cendrier
Sans me parler
Sans me regarder
Il s’est levé
Il a mis
Son chapeau sur sa tête
Il a mis
Son manteau de pluie
Parce qu’il pleuvait
Et il est parti
Sous la pluie
Sans une parole
Sans me regarder
Et moi j’ai pris
Ma tête dans ma main
Et j’ai pleuré.

For those of you who don’t speak french, this poem is about a person who watches a man make his coffee, almost like a ritual, and then leave without looking at him/her. Then the person watching cries. I always thought the poem reflected some sort of modernist existentialism; humans are so disconnected from each other than no one acknowledges anyone anymore.

But lately, my life has been just like this: going through the motions and failing to communicate with the people around me. I don’t know if it’s the distractions this world has to offer on social media. I don’t know if it’s the sheer amount of schoolwork I have to complete. And I don’t know if it’s the deeper emotional toils that I’m slowly managing. But, I’ve realized I have turned into l’homme dans la poème. Because I am both a poet and a person of systems, I like to think it has something to do with the winter months. However, my rational self cannot be alright with giving that excuse. So, here I go. I will work on being happy. I will work on being aware of my surroundings and connecting with the people around me. Because if we cannot see beyond the milk in our coffee, then what are we doing at all?

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Les Matins

A little photo-journal I’m starting. Here’s a little look into a February morning.

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I’ve been living my own coming of age story, or bildungsroman if you prefer, over the last few months. It seems like every week, my desires have shifted. What I hoped for starting in January is as far as what I could possibly want now. It’s funny, when you live your passing desires, the universe wakes you up with the resounding words, “Be careful what you wish for.”

Events have shaped my entire mindset. In fact, I’ve had to reevaluate everything I’ve ever done up until this point just two nights ago when I got a fairly disappointing letter in the mail. But, I could sit and wallow in a pit of sadness. Or, I could get past my existentialist situation and actually make an effort to move forward with what I now deem to be my path. But I can’t underplay the effect all this has on the heart. And, I think I’ve unnecessarily put my little heart through too much recently. So, here I go in taking steps to heal that weary, tired, and sore heart of mine.

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And man, may I say it is so refreshing to have a tabula rasa. So here I am, sticking to what I’ve known to be true about me and shedding the ambiguous skin I lived in for so long. Now, I am on a mission to be purely, authentically, and nothing besides myself. Just me.

Usually when I have these moments, I have the biggest urge to chop off my hair and transform into a new identity. But this time, I can only feel the need to get away and take a step back from my life here in California. This time, I’ve got a whole lot of fernweh for Scotland. Right now, I’m applying to study there next spring. I can’t begin to tell you how quickly I want the next 10 months to go by, but I’ll try. It’s a place I’ve never been to physically, but I feel like my heart resonates with the land so deeply. There are just those places people have, I call them “spirit places,” where they feel so at home. But, I could go on unnecessarily about Scotland for ages. So, I’d rather leave you with this:

Be careful what you wish for and in all your wishing don’t forget to be truly authentically and undeniably you.

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Also, as you’ve noticed I’ve taken a little break from the 30 Day Writing Challenge because, well I just don’t have the time. There are so many deadlines this month! But, I hope to take up the project again soon.

30DWC Day 9, Words of Wisdom.

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Montmartre in the summer

Day 9. Post some words of wisdom that really speak to you

If you know me well, you know I live by the line, “Every experience is a good experience.” I truly believe what I say. In my life, I’ve learned that no matter what experience I have, may it be wonderful or tragic, I have grown and learned something.  It’s difficult in the middle of a trial to have this mindset, but keeping this phrase in the back of my mind has made transitioning from conflict-resolution much more peaceful. It’s effected my entire life. The way I view things now is through a much less tainted scope. I don’t see things merely through my expectations or pre-meditated conceptions. I now look at everything in it’s own situation clearly and without any bias.

I’m not saying that I’m perfect. Far from it, actually. It just means that everything comes as a learning experience now. I try to take something away from every encounter or problem I come across. It’s a much better way to live my life, and whenever people ask for advice, I go straightforward to this philosophy.

Things become so much better if you see everything as purposely a part of your story. If you can see even the bad things as learning curves, then what’s to stop you? Absolutely nothing.

30DWC Day 8, The Struggle.

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Day 8. Share something you struggle with

I’m currently in one of the biggest struggles of my life. The immediate pleasures of the known worlds and the nebulous trials of the unknown world. The fact is, I have so many temptations before me. Temptations to settle down, get a place in an exciting city, and work at a part time job doing relatively fun things. These pinpoints are all so tempting because I can see exactly how to reach each and every single one of them. I have the connections, and I can see how the connections can lead to the ends. Everything is so clear, and if I want it to be, easy. The thought of finding love, starting a family, it’s all feasible. And, it actually wouldn’t be so hard only in the sense that I know exactly what I would do in order to achieve it. If I wanted that quick satisfaction, that short and easy life, to say “I did it” and live simply and traditionally and locally, I could do it.

But, there is the other side of me. The side of me that has always been there. That ambitious side that lived inside my 7 year old body, the side that pushed me to read one book a day, that side of me that taught me how to take chances and speak up for myself. That side of me that has bound me, not unlike a marriage, to my education. That side of me, a gut feeling that shows me there is more out there. This is the unknown world. It’s unknown because I cannot know the means to the ends. I don’t know where to go or what to do or how to even get there. I don’t know how to become a foreign diplomat and instigate change in the world.I don’t know how I’m going to buy that tiny property up on the Isle of Skye in my little stone cottage to write my novels. I don’t know nearly anything about what I want to do, or who I want to be. But still, that side of me is there.

And so, on the daily I struggle with the temptation of letting all these opaque dreams fall from my mind to settle down for what I can see right in front of me. I could learn to commit and live a decently happy life.

 

But I don’t want to do that. And sometimes, it takes all the strength in me to convince myself to keep on pursuing these turbid dreams. But I know, that it’s all I can do right now. I’m not giving up anytime soon. I’m just saying it’s hard and a constant battle to stay true to what little I know for sure about myself.

30 Day Writing Challenge, Day 7

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Day 7. List 10 songs you’re loving right now and what you like about them

What a perfect prompt to come at a perfect time! I’ve just discovered a brand new artist, and so all his work is so fresh in my mind!

  1. Midnight in Paris – Jordan Mackampa. This man’s voice is absolutely magic and he doesn’t even have that large of a following yet! He seems to be so cool, but this song specifically is so romantic and has the best melodies.
  2. Same Faces – Jordan Mackampa. Yeah, as you can tell I’m a bit obsessed. The song surprises you with Mackampa’s unexpected turns. It’s pure magic.
  3. Red Earth and Pouring Rain – Bear’s Den. It’s been raining a lot lately and this is my go to rain song. It has a kooky 90s vibe to it, and it’s fantastic.
  4. Where I Want To Go – Roo Panes. I feel like this song finds me in funny times. I’m going through a little weird episode in my life, and this song is always a comfort. Roo Panes’ vocals are everything.
  5. Holy Smoke – Palace. I started playing this on the guitar a couple weeks ago, and I am so happy I did because it’s such an epic one. I really love the crazy amount of guitar in this one and the speeding up and slowing down of tempo. Also, the lyrics are fantastic.
  6. Head Above Water – Palace. Again, with the Palace. I really love this song because it’s just so freaking intense and it gets you in that “I can conquer anything” mood. Also, it helps when you have to walk a while in a time crunch.
  7. I DO EVERYTHING! – Masego. My brother introduced me into trap house jazz and I am SO HAPPY HE DID. Every type of harmonious sound you can imagine and flavors of jazz and rap make this song fabulous.
  8. Wifeable – Masego. Seriously all the same reasons as above. Also, because the lyrics are so damn hilarious to scream at the top of your lungs.
  9. World Ender – Lord Huron. I mean, does this song really need an explanation? Whenever I’m going on an adventure, doing a nature run, or feeling especially bad-ass, this song is my favorite companion.
  10. Untitled – Matt Corby. I love Matt Corby. Like, I love this man so much. His music is incredible, and I’ve even worked on covers of Resolution and songs from his Telluric album. But this song has specifically been putting me to sleep a lot recently. Check it out, Matt Corby is an angel.

30 Day Writing Challenge, Day 6: How to win my heart over.

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Day 6. Write five ways to win your heart over

Aw man, I had to seriously sit down and think about this one for a while. I’m probably one of the most complicated people out there, so I apologize for any man (if any, lol) reading this. I also feel silly for writing these things down, because I think they’re all arbitrary and there are probably a hundred better things I could think of. These are just some of them that come to mind.

I think the most important thing is that whoever tries to win my heart over also has a rapidly beating heart for God. I need someone who is going to help me grow my faith and is willing to tackle that together.

On a less serious note, I am a total goof. I need someone who understands my sometimes absurd humor and is willing to go with it. I imagine myself laughing out my old days with my partner over the hundreds of thousands of jokes we’ve built together.

I live for incredible experiences. Anyone who’d be willing to go on crazy adventures and always ready to pack up their bags and uproot for periods of time trekking across the world most definitely can win me over. Honestly, I so easily fall in love with anyone who seeks adrenaline and thrill.

Guys who read. I honestly don’t know if it’s a Capricorn thing (I actually don’t believe in astrology fyi), or what, but I LOVE TO READ and LEARN. I need a guy who can challenge me intellectually. And, if you’re someone who can do crazy fun things but at the end of the day sit down with a good book, I’m all yours.

But ultimately, just be sincere and nice and loving and caring. Show that you listen. It’s the little things.