The Art of Re-Discovery

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Taking a little break from the 30 Day Writing Challenge to put down some important thoughts in this incredibly accessible personal journal. Enjoy my virtual diary.

How much of me is who I thought I was just 5 or 10 years ago? Sometimes  it feels like part of me. Sometimes it feels like all of me. And, sometimes it feels like none of me. Did I truly have a grip of who I was back then? Times come when I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself that is just so truly deeply me. But another part of me hopes that part is deeply buried within my current state and up to me to open that chest once again when I’m ready.

Is it possible to become less wise as you grow older? To know less of who you are? To see yourself but only through the lens of a mirror, and never being able to cross the threshold into the other side?

The optimistic part of me wants to believe I’m growing more and more into myself with each day. I really hope that is true. But, there’s still a part of me (a large part, I might add) that seems lost. Like, some treasure I used to hold, but no longer have.

While I can continue to talk in vague terms and act like this is something completely in my mind or some dimension above my head, it is something that thoroughly affects my day to day actions.

There was a drive. An un-inhibited yearning to seek out with all my heart and soul the truths in and out of this world. A desire to instigate global change with my hands.

I can’t help but think that maybe all the distractions I fill my life with now have taken away from those former loves.

How do I go back to my old self? My true self? That little ember of light glowing faintly deep inside of me? Must I abandon all and everything I have worked for to this point?

Part of me thinks I just need to go away for a while. Go away, meaning sojourning to a land where I know no one and can start from scratch. A do-over, per say. I think this opportunity will come soon, and I know I’ll be buying a one way ticket in the near future (within the next year, God willing), so that thought comforts me. But another part doesn’t want to have to wait for that to happen in order to change my ways and find myself again.

Ultimately this is just a complicated web of words that carry unequal weights in my mind. Here’s to not self-discovery, but self re-discovery.

Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.
– Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

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