30DWC Day 8, The Struggle.

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Day 8. Share something you struggle with

I’m currently in one of the biggest struggles of my life. The immediate pleasures of the known worlds and the nebulous trials of the unknown world. The fact is, I have so many temptations before me. Temptations to settle down, get a place in an exciting city, and work at a part time job doing relatively fun things. These pinpoints are all so tempting because I can see exactly how to reach each and every single one of them. I have the connections, and I can see how the connections can lead to the ends. Everything is so clear, and if I want it to be, easy. The thought of finding love, starting a family, it’s all feasible. And, it actually wouldn’t be so hard only in the sense that I know exactly what I would do in order to achieve it. If I wanted that quick satisfaction, that short and easy life, to say “I did it” and live simply and traditionally and locally, I could do it.

But, there is the other side of me. The side of me that has always been there. That ambitious side that lived inside my 7 year old body, the side that pushed me to read one book a day, that side of me that taught me how to take chances and speak up for myself. That side of me that has bound me, not unlike a marriage, to my education. That side of me, a gut feeling that shows me there is more out there. This is the unknown world. It’s unknown because I cannot know the means to the ends. I don’t know where to go or what to do or how to even get there. I don’t know how to become a foreign diplomat and instigate change in the world.I don’t know how I’m going to buy that tiny property up on the Isle of Skye in my little stone cottage to write my novels. I don’t know nearly anything about what I want to do, or who I want to be. But still, that side of me is there.

And so, on the daily I struggle with the temptation of letting all these opaque dreams fall from my mind to settle down for what I can see right in front of me. I could learn to commit and live a decently happy life.

 

But I don’t want to do that. And sometimes, it takes all the strength in me to convince myself to keep on pursuing these turbid dreams. But I know, that it’s all I can do right now. I’m not giving up anytime soon. I’m just saying it’s hard and a constant battle to stay true to what little I know for sure about myself.

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