Bildungsroman

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I’ve been living my own coming of age story, or bildungsroman if you prefer, over the last few months. It seems like every week, my desires have shifted. What I hoped for starting in January is as far as what I could possibly want now. It’s funny, when you live your passing desires, the universe wakes you up with the resounding words, “Be careful what you wish for.”

Events have shaped my entire mindset. In fact, I’ve had to reevaluate everything I’ve ever done up until this point just two nights ago when I got a fairly disappointing letter in the mail. But, I could sit and wallow in a pit of sadness. Or, I could get past my existentialist situation and actually make an effort to move forward with what I now deem to be my path. But I can’t underplay the effect all this has on the heart. And, I think I’ve unnecessarily put my little heart through too much recently. So, here I go in taking steps to heal that weary, tired, and sore heart of mine.

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And man, may I say it is so refreshing to have a tabula rasa. So here I am, sticking to what I’ve known to be true about me and shedding the ambiguous skin I lived in for so long. Now, I am on a mission to be purely, authentically, and nothing besides myself. Just me.

Usually when I have these moments, I have the biggest urge to chop off my hair and transform into a new identity. But this time, I can only feel the need to get away and take a step back from my life here in California. This time, I’ve got a whole lot of fernweh for Scotland. Right now, I’m applying to study there next spring. I can’t begin to tell you how quickly I want the next 10 months to go by, but I’ll try. It’s a place I’ve never been to physically, but I feel like my heart resonates with the land so deeply. There are just those places people have, I call them “spirit places,” where they feel so at home. But, I could go on unnecessarily about Scotland for ages. So, I’d rather leave you with this:

Be careful what you wish for and in all your wishing don’t forget to be truly authentically and undeniably you.

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Also, as you’ve noticed I’ve taken a little break from the 30 Day Writing Challenge because, well I just don’t have the time. There are so many deadlines this month! But, I hope to take up the project again soon.

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