This letter is for you, the one who shook my mind.
When I saw you first, I thought you were an apparition. Sunk behind the curtains, I could barely make your figure out. But then you came out from the shadows, and oh man did I see you then. My infatuation for you grew over months and months. I did everything from envisioning where we would live to what our kids’ names would be. I did all this without having even met you. Because, I knew once I’d met you, I wouldn’t be able to control myself from shaking all over. Because to me, you were the one. I was so selfish; all my thinking, all my wanting was to satisfy my desires.
I did not take you into consideration. I didn’t take those around me into consideration. I didn’t know what would happen if we ever got together. It felt like God was keeping you away from me for the longest time…and then all of a sudden our lives clicked. Just like that. Something I had dreaded so long became a reality. It was insane.
Everything people had told me about you, everything I saw from the sidelines, it all led me to believe that you were a version of me. It is so powerful, when you see parts of yourself in other people. So powerful that you are drawn to them like an arrow hitting its target. Partly why I kept my distance for the longest time, was because you were something so special. Almost sacred, I didn’t want anything to ruin it. I protected my love for you, quietly, secretly, intermittently. I knew you didn’t know me, or else you heard bits and pieces about this girl. It didn’t matter, because once you knew, we would be perfect.
Man, was my thinking selfish. So utterly selfish, I had to scream “What are you doing!?” to myself in the mirror time after time I found myself thinking about you. I went to people wiser to me, and they helped me see the folly in my actions and thoughts.
I realized that everything I had done so far, although in-between the lines, was all for myself. I wanted you all for myself. I wanted that powerful bond that I know we would have. I thought it could break through all forces pushing us apart. I believed for a moment that I was doing what was right and what God wanted me to do.
It wouldn’t be right, though. I would make it difficult for so many people. And, I know that now. Even though we like the same music, have the same humor, a shared outlook on life, I have to pull away. You were the idea of my dreams, and it almost made it to reality. So fucking close. But I couldn’t do that to everyone. Not my family, not the people around me, not my friends, not my destiny.
Honey, you are perfect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. But, you are for someone else–someone amazing that God has in mind. And though I’ll find my mind wandering to your face time to time, I’ll know that what I did was right. I’m cutting it off now, because I know if I go any deeper I will not be able to turn back.
You’ll never know how much went on in the background. How many nights I stayed up thinking about you. You can never know, and I’m never going to tell you. A part of me wants to escape, and hope that when I come back I’ll find you happily married with kids. Another part of my wants to tear up everything I’ve ever worked for and throw it all away and run away with you. But, I’ve always have that rational line of thought in me somewhere, and it’s telling me to step away from this idea of you. To let you thrive, be you, and find your way in life. And for me to avert my eyes, take a different road, and continue to love so deeply. People say that heartbreak is worth it, that this pain will yield something good. But I can’t seem to scratch the idea of what good could come from losing you, and the joy that could be found in us.
So, I’m going to have to say goodbye to you, a beautiful dream, even though I just said hello.