To an idea,

This letter is for you, the one who shook my mind.

When I saw you first, I thought you were an apparition. Sunk behind the curtains, I could barely make your figure out. But then you came out from the shadows, and oh man did I see you then. My infatuation for you grew over months and months. I did everything from envisioning where we would live to what our kids’ names would be. I did all this without having even met you. Because, I knew once I’d met you, I wouldn’t be able to control myself from shaking all over. Because to me, you were the one. I was so selfish; all my thinking, all my wanting was to satisfy my desires.

I did not take you into consideration. I didn’t take those around me into consideration. I didn’t know what would happen if we ever got together. It felt like God was keeping you away from me for the longest time…and then all of a sudden our lives clicked. Just like that. Something I had dreaded so long became a reality. It was insane.

Everything people had told me about you, everything I saw from the sidelines, it all led me to believe that you were a version of me. It is so powerful, when you see parts of yourself in other people. So powerful that you are drawn to them like an arrow hitting its target. Partly why I kept my distance for the longest time, was because you were something so special. Almost sacred, I didn’t want anything to ruin it. I protected my love for you, quietly, secretly, intermittently. I knew you didn’t know me, or else you heard bits and pieces about this girl. It didn’t matter, because once you knew, we would be perfect.

Man, was my thinking selfish. So utterly selfish, I had to scream “What are you doing!?” to myself in the mirror time after time I found myself thinking about you. I went to people wiser to me, and they helped me see the folly in my actions and thoughts.

I realized that everything I had done so far, although in-between the lines, was all for myself. I wanted you all for myself. I wanted that powerful bond that I know we would have. I thought it could break through all forces pushing us apart. I believed for a moment that I was doing what was right and what God wanted me to do.

It wouldn’t be right, though. I would make it difficult for so many people. And, I know that now. Even though we like the same music, have the same humor, a shared outlook on life, I have to pull away. You were the idea of my dreams, and it almost made it to reality. So fucking close. But I couldn’t do that to everyone. Not my family, not the people around me, not my friends, not my destiny.

Honey, you are perfect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. But, you are for someone else–someone amazing that God has in mind. And though I’ll find my mind wandering to your face time to time, I’ll know that what I did was right. I’m cutting it off now, because I know if I go any deeper I will not be able to turn back.

You’ll never know how much went on in the background. How many nights I stayed up thinking about you. You can never know, and I’m never going to tell you. A part of me wants to escape, and hope that when I come back I’ll find you happily married with kids. Another part of my wants to tear up everything I’ve ever worked for and throw it all away and run away with you. But, I’ve always have that rational line of thought in me somewhere, and it’s telling me to step away from this idea of you. To let you thrive, be you, and find your way in life. And for me to avert my eyes, take a different road, and continue to love so deeply. People say that heartbreak is worth it, that this pain will yield something good. But I can’t seem to scratch the idea of what good could come from losing you, and the joy that could be found in us.

So, I’m going to have to say goodbye to you, a beautiful dream, even though I just said hello.

Anashe.

To My Teacher,

My darling, anoush Dikin Yvan,

I loved you the most. You taught me unlike any ordinary teacher. You taught me love, you taught me grace, you taught me discipline, and you taught me that the relationship between teacher and student is an indescribable bond, if you’re as lucky as I was. I almost want to write this post in Armenian.

Yes chanachum em kez kani vor yes hing darekan ei. Skats ropeits minchev yes handipel em kez, du dartzel im dadiki. 

I met you when I was five years old. From the second I met you, you became my grandmother. Maybe it was because I was your favorite student, even though I did my homework in the car on the way to class just like the rest of them. Maybe it was my big green eyes you would always call metz dzitabdughner, big olives. Maybe it was the way you would hug me; I remember sinking into your ribbed sweaters, into the comforting clouds of your soft body, my head buried in your motherly bosom.

Not once did I get upset when you disciplined us for not pronouncing something right. The other kids hated you, but I only saw compassion behind your eyes. Kids can be so cruel, so unintentional, so naive. You were a force to be reckoned with. It felt like a little lifetime, those years. How long has it been? Since the bliss of my childhood and running to your arms each Friday night? Even when I got too old to give old ladies hugs, you were still one of the only ones I made the effort to.

You see, dear Yvan, you were my favorite person in this world. I don’t know why you loved me so hard. I don’t know why you called my your grandchild. Perhaps it was because your granddaughter was my best friend. I just remember you showing so much care and dedication towards teaching us our language and our culture. It was through you that I developed this lasting connection with my ancestors and my ancestors’ ancestors. Sweet, sweet, dikin…I can only imagine you now. Where you are, only God knows. I’ve tried so hard to find you, and I feel like I’m aimlessly searching for a piece of my soul that’s gone missing. But I will find you, if its in this life or another.

I can only say: Thank You. Thank you for the life you gave, the lessons, and most importantly the love. Words cannot explain how grateful I am to you, old master. You sparked the flame for finding my blood in what is true and what is holy. You sparked the eternal flame for scholarship and always looking for the old and the new ways. I hope you are drinking wine underneath an apricot tree with Komitas Vartabed. I hope you are singing in revelry with Sayat Nova. You so loved to sing. Even now, when I think about how grateful I am to you, I can only communicate the purest thoughts in Armenian. And that is all because of you, because of your kindness and patience, and willingness to not let me stare absently at this treasure box, but to open it and use all of its gifts. Dikin Yvan, I have felt a thunder in my heart. I know you are no longer here. I know you’re someplace better, oh I cannot wait to sing the hymns with you. As I listen to Arno Babajanian’s Exprompt, I can imagine you standing beside the piano singing in that clear voice of yours. You are always smiling, even though your teeth are worn from war and famine. Your hair always the thin line between gold and grey. But you area lively, jahel, strong as ever. You are a vision, exuding rays of light. As if we have a house and rooms for all the children, where there is always light, and always ripe fruit to be picked.

You are my light, my clear stone, the verdant path.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I will hold your love, your instruction, your kindness, and your warm warm hug in my heart and mind forever.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for making a place so strange feel like a home. Thank you for being my dadik. I can only apologize for withstanding visits, for forgetting to love you in your old days. But I will make it up to you. I will find her, and together we will laugh and cry of these memories. Together we will complete your memory. We will travel to the old city and find your home and fix it up.

We will make it right.

Forever with love, respect, and truth,

Անաջէ, metz puchik, metz dzitabughner 

Vision

I’ve always loved the phrase, “My, what a vision.” I’m a film geek (to say the least), and I’ve watched those classic scenes when a dazzling  dame walks down the stairs in a glittering dress and the handsome man waiting for her exclaims, “What a vision!” But, most of the time the man refers to the woman’s looks, her dress, and even that graceful lilt in her step.

But, I want to take the phrase to another level. I want people to look at me one day and say, “my, what a vision,” but I don’t want it to be for how I look. I want to be a vision in the way I treat other people, how much I share my love, and how well I am a good fellow being. That is what I mean by a vision.IMG_2259.JPG

There is a difference, however, between a vision and a visionary. A visionary, according to the Webster dictionary, is someone who thinks about the future with imagination. A visionary just dreams. But a vision literally personifies the dreams of the visionary. It infers action, movement, and change. I hope to e this type of person. And the vision I hope to personify is the life of Jesus Christ. I want to love as he loved, serve as he served, and walk as he walked. That is my life mission, and I want people to look at my life and say, “My, what a vision”.

30 Day Writing Challenge, Day 6: How to win my heart over.

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Day 6. Write five ways to win your heart over

Aw man, I had to seriously sit down and think about this one for a while. I’m probably one of the most complicated people out there, so I apologize for any man (if any, lol) reading this. I also feel silly for writing these things down, because I think they’re all arbitrary and there are probably a hundred better things I could think of. These are just some of them that come to mind.

I think the most important thing is that whoever tries to win my heart over also has a rapidly beating heart for God. I need someone who is going to help me grow my faith and is willing to tackle that together.

On a less serious note, I am a total goof. I need someone who understands my sometimes absurd humor and is willing to go with it. I imagine myself laughing out my old days with my partner over the hundreds of thousands of jokes we’ve built together.

I live for incredible experiences. Anyone who’d be willing to go on crazy adventures and always ready to pack up their bags and uproot for periods of time trekking across the world most definitely can win me over. Honestly, I so easily fall in love with anyone who seeks adrenaline and thrill.

Guys who read. I honestly don’t know if it’s a Capricorn thing (I actually don’t believe in astrology fyi), or what, but I LOVE TO READ and LEARN. I need a guy who can challenge me intellectually. And, if you’re someone who can do crazy fun things but at the end of the day sit down with a good book, I’m all yours.

But ultimately, just be sincere and nice and loving and caring. Show that you listen. It’s the little things.